Back into the swing with these after the MLB All-Star Game!

Series 1, Episode 13: Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards

This had the potential to be really awful. Not only was it Gabrielle-heavy, it was also a clip show - heavy use of footage from previous episodes, which is rarely more than a lazy way to save money. However, this is actually integrated well, the pretext being G's trying out to attend the titular establishment.

Particularly cool was the integration of clips from Spartacus and an old Steve Reeves movie [cue Rocky Horror!] into proceedings, and the different styles of bardolatry on view, from the floridness of Euripides through to the slightly less eloquent approach of Stallonus (!).

However, that can't entirely disguise the fact that there is very little of interest in the overall proceedings, which must have been done during Lucy Lawless's two-week summer vacation, and it seems odd that G would apparently be willing to suddenly abandon X for "four or five years", at the drop of an audition. So much for that whole partnership thing.

Overall rating: C


Series 1, Episode 14: A Fistful of Dinars

Xena gets involved with an assassin and her ex-fiance (! - who knew...), in a hunt for Sumerian treasure. However, not all the parties know that also there is the key to locating ambrosia, the food of the gods, which will imbue whoever eats it with divinity - Xena won't let that fall into the wrong hands.

This is one of those episodes where you get the set-up at the start, and then you might as well fast forward for the next 25 minutes, because you know where it's going. Little of what happens in the interim sticks in my memory: I think I might have dozed off, waking up in time for the obvious climax. There might have been subtext.

One of the review sites - I forget which one - described this as something like "the kind of episode that explains why people look at you funnily when you say you're a Xena fan", and I can't argue. It's like an off-cut of an Indiana Jones flick, made with little or no budget or imagination. Even the volcano's ominous rumblings turn out to be a damp squib.

Overall rating: D

Somehow managed to forget entirely to review last week's two episodes. Not quite sure how that happened... But it means you get double the pleasure this week!

Season 1, Episode 15: Warrior... Princess...

Xena is hired to body-double for Diana, a princess who looks exactly like her, but who is under the threat of assassination, from those who oppose her imminent marriage on political grounds. So they swap places: hard to say who has the worse issues, Xena dealing with dresses and palaces, or Diana, having to fend off the usual hordes on the outside.

Stellar, stellar stuff. Even if the plot doesn't make any logical sense [Xena replacing Diana is one thing, but why not just send Diana off to a remote cottage?], it's beautifully-acted, with Lawless unrecognisable, even as she looks exactly the same, showing impeccable comedy timing. Gabrielle's epic confusion when Xena/Diana creeps away from confrontation. And the split-screen/body-double effects are very good too.

But there's action too, in particular a great fight where Xena (as Diana) has to help out her bodyguard against a pack of assassins, without him noticing. Oh, and Diana's description of Xena's chakram:
Diana: "It’s my round killing thing."
Gabrielle: "Chakram."
Diana: "Bless you."
If the morality is laid on a little obvious and thick [Look! Small children!], it's a refreshing bounceback of epic proportions, after a couple of weeks of decidedly "meh" episodes.

Overall rating: A-



Season 1, Episode 16: Mortal Beloved

The underworld is thrown into anarchy, as Hades' helmet, which he uses to rule over his realm, has been stolen by an evil resident, who uses it to cause havoc both there and in our world. Xena is summoned to help by deceased flame Marcus, and Hades gives them 48 hours to retrieve the helmet.

Once again, Xena has to sort out divine incompetence, which happens a bit too often. I recall the harpies' CGI as being unimpressive at the time, and the years have not been kind - your average game console can now do something ten times better. And apparently, the Elysian Fields are literally that: a field, where within about 30 seconds, you bump into everyone you ever knew.

That aside, it's actually not a bad episode, with Michael Hurst - Iolaus from Hercules - doing a great Billy Crystal impression as Charon, the boatman who takes souls to Hades. The ending is particularly poignant, as Marcus's 48 hours back among the living come to an end, and Atyminius, the helmet thief, is a creepy villain - even (or perhaps, especially) when you can't see him. A little too many familiar elements, however.

Overall rating: B-



Season 1, Episode 17: The Royal Couple of Thieves

Full disclaimer. We love Bruce Campbell, and have watched him in some utter rubbish. In this, however, he is perfectly cast as Autolycus, the self-proclaimed "king of thieves," roped in by Xena to recover a casket containing the ultimate weapon, which has been stolen from its guardians and is about to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. This involves Autolycus posing as Sinteres, one of the prospective owners, which works more or less fine, up until the real guy shows up.

The interplay between Autolycus and Xena is fabulous; he declares to the rest of the attendees that she is his concubine, and you can imagine X's reaction to that... As Autolycus says, "Do you really think those people would believe someone like Sinteres would have someone like you without ... having someone like you?"

However, it's also a perfect combination of comedy and heist flick, as the pair try to figure out how to retrieve the casket from the island where the auction is taking place. There's so much crammed in to this one, it could have been a feature length movie, and there's hardly a slack scene or line of dialogue. Even the ending is fully satisfying, and it's probably the best episode to date.

Overall rating: A



Season 1, Episode 18: The Prodigal

After freezing in a dangerous situation, Gabrielle heads back home, only to find her village under threat. The locals have hired Meleager the Mighty to protect them, but he turns out to be an alcoholic, who can barely stand, never mind fight. It's up to Gabrielle to use her wits to fend off the band of brigands instead.

After several Gabby-light episodes - which probably partly explains why I enjoyed them so much - this one makes up for lost time, with Xena present only in the bookends. A Xena ep without Xena is at best uninteresting, and at worst close to unwatchable. This is at least towards the upper end of that spectrum, with the feel of a Howard Hawks western, and another B-movie icon Tim Thomerson, rules as Meleager.

It is the second time in six episodes G has decided she doesn't want to be with X [see also 1.13], which doesn't seem like much of a relationship. The fight scenes are, frankly, pathetic: and the town's defenses would be easily bypassed by a three-year old child. What a shame the marauding horde didn't have one with them. And the pan-piping G does at the start of the episode... Words fail me for how horrible that is. Let us not speak of this episode again.

Overall rating: D

this is one of my all time most favourite of shows. they need to make a xena movie ASAP

I'd not mind this at all - and Lucy Lawless seems to be wearing very nicely, going by what I've seen of her on Spartacus [and that would be most of her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do...]. But I think they did tie up the series very nicely at the end of the regular series, and I fear that boat may have sailed... :-(

Only got one episode seen in the past couple of weeks, thanks mostly to my Diamondbacks sticking around in the NL West race far better than expected! However, it's also one Chris refuses to watch, so I have to wait for her to be out - hey, it's my equivalent of her Ghost Whisperer guilty-pleasure, I guess! I need to get my ass together, since I wanted to include the season one review in the August update, which is due up...er, next week. [Waiting for Colombiana] Ok. That probably ain't going to happen.

Most of this response should have gone in the "Site info" thread, I think. :-) But since I'm here...

Season 1, Episode 19: Altared States

There's an interesting moral dilemma here, with a father preparing to sacrifice his son to appease an apparently divine request. The son's escape attempts are what attract Xena's attention initially, but it ends up with the son being apparently fine with his death. How far does one take religious freedom?

Certainly a notable opening, with X+G skinny-dipping, and the first "obvious" blast of subtext. The sight of Xena rising, goddess-like from the water, is a memorable one, and then dispatching villains with a string of fish. The other (non-sacrifice) son Mael is played by Karl Urban, who'd have a significant role in Lord of the Rings as Eomer, and play Dr. McCoy in the Star Trek reboot.

All manner of subplots here, such as the obvious notes to the story of Abraham [didn't we have the Ark of the Covenant a couple of eps ago? Good job the Bible is public domain...], and Mael saying, "A woman with the strength of 10 men out in the world? Alone, save only a scrawny little companion? It’s a complete abomination!" A scrawny little companion? Does he mean... Gabrielle? I think he does...

This is another ep where Gabrielle doesn't actually do much, except get stoned on some toxic nut-bread, which leads to some mildly-amusing but irrelevant shenanigans in a cave. However, even discounting that, it's a solid episode with a strong plot and decent action.

Overall rating: B

"Dangerous when wet..."

Season 1, Episode 20: Ties That Bind

When X + G get help from another fighter as they rescue a village's women who are being taken by slave-traders, but a startling revelation follows as he announces himself as Atrius, Xena's father. There's initially no love lost, but it appears that Atrius may not be the man that Xena remembers: and you can read that, accurately, in more than one way...

A little too soap-opera for my tastes, not the least the sudden flippage back to bad Xena at the end when she thinks Atrius is dead. While few can deliver a line like "Kill them all..." with as much menace as Lawless, one would have thought that, 20 episodes in, her commitment to justice was a little stronger. But it's nice to see Ares pulling the strings behind Xena's opponent.

Overall, however, not a great episode. I only watched it yesterday, and I'm struggling to remember much about it that stands out. "No Fathers, Spiritual or Biological, were harmed during the production of this motion picture," goes the end disclaimer. One wonders if the same can be said about the butterfly apparent impaled on a tree-trunk. At least the villain there got his come-uppance: a blow-pipe works both ways...

Overall rating: C-



Season 1, Episode 21: The Greater Good

A mysterious blonde woman, largely unseen, sends a poisoned dart into Xena's neck, as she tries to defend a village from raiders. With X out of commission, G first tries to impersonate the warrior princess, but when that fails to deter the attackers and X apparently dead, she has to step up her game for real.

What? Another plot-device "death"? Really, did anyone think for a second X was actually dead? Anybody? Anyone? Bueller? This could have been an awful lot worse: an episode centered on Salmoneus and Gabrielle is the kind of thing that would have me waking up in a cold sweat. But G does actually do things well, with her best fight sequence to date, simply to rescue X's "lifeless corpse" [quotes used advisedly] and she holds her own with more competence than we've previously seen. Robert Trebor as Salmoneus also reigns in his usual comic mugging, and is all the more effective for it.

Against this, we have some horse martial arts. Not horse-style. By a horse. Yeah. About that... They probably shouldn't have bothered. And while a barely conscious X does still prove herself capable of dispatching bad guys, any episode where the show's one true heroine is unconscious for half the time, is immediately docked a point or two.

Overall rating: B-



I've got another episode, but that one deserves its own post. :-)

Season 1, Episode 22: Callisto



Every hero needs a great villain. The Dark Knight his Joker, James Bond his Blofeld, and John McClane has Hans Gruber. Xena finally found hers, in the shape of Callisto, a blonde nemesis whose family was killed in a fire during a raid by Xena's army, and who has now set her sights on destroying the Warrior Princess and everything she stands for. And she makes no bones about it; after Xena captures her and prepares to lead her to justice, only to discover a lynch mob lies in wait, here's what Callisto says:

This is frickin' marvelous stuff, played with unabashed gusto by Hudson Leick, who - to be brutally honest - has never done anything else of note. But it doesn't matter, for she has a pivotal role here, in what is one of the best episodes ever. Not the best of this season. Not even the best of Xena. This is flat-out among the best TV episodes of all time: right up there with...oh, Hush, or Blink, or the episode of 24 where Nina Myers... But that'd be a spoiler.

The beautiful darkness here is so amazing. It's as if the episode was inspired by the quote from Nietzche: "Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Callisto is the abyss, and is absolutely the creation of Xena's past come back to haunt her: as C. says, "Tell me this, Xena: have you ever been tried for all of the things you have done?"

That would be an absolutely fair question. It brings up the viewer short, to be reminded that they have been rooting for someone who probably deserves to be tried as a war criminal. Xena realizes this, and there's an agonizingly intense conversation with G by a camp-fire: this is one episode where Gabrielle's purpose, as Xena's moral compass, is absolutely essential, as she makes Xena promise that, if anything happens to Gabrielle, there will be no revenge.

And yet, X and C are almost a match. It's clear that Xena provides Callisto with a reason for existing; when Callisto's henchmen returns after encountering Xena, look at her rapt expression as he describes what happened. There's just as much subtext going on there as between X+G [my issue with subtext has never been the concept, just that Gabrielle is entirely unfitting as a partner. Someone like Callisto, much closer to Xena's equal, would be... Well, frickin' awesome :-)]

The action is among the most spectacular yet seen, with X and C having a battle on top of a series of ladders [Callisto's army must possess an entire construction battalion], which was inspired by a similar fight in Once Upon a Time in China. It's a credit to all involved - in particular, the actresses and stunt doubles - that this is little less impressive than the Jet Li version. [I couldn't find it on Youtube, which may have to be rectified...]

And yet, the episode also introduces Joxer, Ted Raimi's "warrior idiot", who became one of the most polarizing characters among Xena fans. His clumsy slapstick could have derailed the more dramatic elements, but actually provides a nice chance to breathe before the darkness descends once again.

All these elements combine into something that hits all the right notes almost perfectly. It's episodes like this which demonstrate why the show has such a devoted following, and has had a huge impact on the pop-culture landscape.

Overall rating: A+ [you expected, perhaps...?]

Since I've posted the review, should finish off the individual episode notes!

Series 1, Episode 23: Death Mask

Hang on, didn't we bump into another estranged member of Xena's family just a few eps ago? We sure did: her father, three episodes ago in Ties That Bind. This time, it's her brother, Toris, but it still feels like a too-quick recycling of the same concept. Here, he's trying to work his way into the confidence of warlord Cortese, and take revenge for what he did to Xena's village and family.

That's an act that set both of them on their present paths, but in radically different directions. He is feeling guilty about his own actions - or lack thereof - back then, which he interprets as cowardice, though self-preservation would be an alternative explanation. He wants to make up for it by killing Cortese, who is also being hunted by the local king, without much success (for reasons which are eventually explained, and should fail to surprise anyone).

Turns out Xena and Toris must have gone to the same gymnastic school, as they needlessly flip over each other's heads, in order to kick people. And, as the photo below shows, the same hair stylist. Not really one of the show's best episodes, with little to make it stick in the memory. Hell, I watched it two days ago, and had to look up a synopsis.

Overall rating: D



Series 1, Episode 24: Is There A Doctor in the House

Probably one of the most claustrophobic episodes: it starts with X + G going through a forest where a war is raging, but 90% of it takes place inside a healing temple, where they take Ephiny the Amazon, who is on the verge of giving birth to her half-centaur baby [which, really, raised far more questions than answers, and I'm not going there]. They also take along the general in charge of opposing army, though no-one knows who he is.

Xena shows her skills extend to the medical side, seriously kicking the ass of Galen, the supposed founder of modern medicine who a) was a good deal more competent than seen here, and b) was not a contemporary of Hippocrates, as shown here, who actually predated him by about six centuries. It's just an example of how the show has absolutely no regard for true history, not that it really matters.

That said, it's long on drama and blood, short on action, unless the show's name was changed to Xena: Nurse Princess, which sounds more like a dubious anime show. It culminates in Gabrielle dying in Xena's arms, up until another medical revelation is invented by X - ok, I sniggered, but there's no denying the dramatic oomph Lawless brings to the scene, even if it isn't enough to redeem the episode entirely.

Overall rating: C