The end of baseball season [for Arizona fans, anyway] means I can get back in to the unwatched pile. Time to get cracking on Season 2 of Xena. Should be done around February...

Series 2, Episode 1: Orphan of War

How many lost relatives does Xena have? We had her father and brother in the first season, and now we discover she had a son, Solan, and gave him away to protect him. I initially thought Daddy was a centaur, which raised some very obvious questions, but mercifully, seems he was just one of their allies, who jumped ship from Xena's army.

She tried to capture him, but Solan ended up an orphan, and blames Xena for killing his father, not knowing she is his mother. Additionally, another of Xena's ex-lieutenants, Dagnine, is after the Ixion stone, which contains all the evilness of the centaur race. [Sidenote: we have never seen any female centaurs. Hmmm...] What could possibly go wrong there? And where's Jerry Springer when you need him?

That last sentence is really the main problem with the episode, and one wonders how many more long-lost relatives will spring out of the trees. Matters are not helped by Gabrielle being particularly whiny and judgmental, apparently lacking a clear grasp of the situation. On the other hand, her staff skills are improved, so it's clear what Renee O'Connor spent her off-season doing, and the final scene between Xena and Solan is well-done, as she teeters on the edge of telling him her parental identity.

Overall rating: C



Series 2, Episode 2: Remember Nothing

After defending the temple of the Three Fates from an attack, the goddesses give Xena a chance to experience what life would have been like if she had never picked up a sword. On the plus side, this means her brother is still alive. On the other hand, in this alternative Xenaverse, Gabrielle is a slave and a coalition of war-lords are planning to put the whole world under their yoke. Whether this parallel world will last is up to Xena, as if she spills a single drop of blood, normal service will be resumed.

It's an interesting idea, and the first half is really good, as Xena comes to terms with the way things might have turned out radically different, with just one changed decision. I'm a huge fan of these films [most obviously, Run Lola Run] However, the way the concept reaches its final execution doesn't quite gel as it should, and for someone who supposedly didn't stand up to a warlord, one questions why Xena conveniently still has all her skills in this world. The rules in play here seem more a tad wobbly.

Credit, however, to O'Connor, for playing a severely-altered Gabrielle, one who was much more cynical and hardened by life - and one capable of an action that eventually triggers Xena's change of mind. Meanwhile, Lawless shows herself (below) capable of kicking ass in a skirt as much as in her more usual costume!

Overall rating: B-

Not really connected to anything, but tonight, by random chance we watched Thor and Colombiana. Both of them included nods to Xena. In the former, when Thor's sidekicks arrive on Earth, the government agent observing radios back to HQ, "We have a Xena, a Jackie Chan and a Robin Hood.” In the latter, after her parents are murdered, the young heroine says she wanted to be Xena, but now is going to be a killer. Only problem is - this supposedly takes place in 1992, well before Xena's debut as a supporting character on Hercules. Oops.

Still, not bad, given how long the show has been off the air!

Series 2, Episode 3: Giant Killer

I literally rolled my eyes on hearing the giveaway line for this episode: "Any friend of Goliath's is a friend of the Philistines" Yes, the writers are back to plundering the Bible for story ideas, which explains why this comes across like a bad Sunday School play. Which is a shame, as the effects are a clear improvement over, say, the Titans or the Cyclops from the first series.

Xena has a ten-year reunion with Goliath, a giant who she fought alongside at the time against Gareth. Gareth killed Goliath's family, and to raise money for his revenge [not quite sure why...] he's working as an enforcer for the Philistines, who are attempting to enslave the Israelites. Xena tries to get Goliath to quit his day-job, but when he refuses (having been bribed with the promise of information on Gareth's location), Xena realizes she has to take down her former friend.

In the first battle, Jonathan, the elder son of Israelite King Saul is killed, so it's up to wussy younger son David to take over, even though he'd rather be composing psalms. I think you can guess how this one ends up, which is a major flaw in the dramatic structure, and there was more eye-rolling from me when the 23rd psalm was read. A failure on just about every level, except the technical.

Rating: D



Series 2, Episode 4: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

This is one of those Xena episodes that's really out there, not least for the apparent nightclub sequence which makes the Zion rave from The Matrix Reloaded look like a a model of restraint. In short, Xena has to defeat the Bacchae - female vampires devoted to the god Bacchus - with the help of Joxer the Mighty and Orpheus the Severed Head in a Bag.

It's more like We Are The Night or The Lost Boys than Xena, with a hint of Legend in the F-sized horns worn by Bacchus. He commits one of the most common Evil Overlord fatal mistakes, by telling Xena that only a Bacchae can kill him. Oops. No chance of this nugget coming back to bite him, is there?

It's hard to work out whether the nightclub scene - accompanied by a song whose lyrics seriously include the line, "Wave your hands in the air like you just don't care" - is pro- or anti-subtext, since it appears to contain a lot of predatory lesbians. Director T.J. Smith - who also did Callisto - threw pretty much every stylistic trick imaginable at the camera. It's not your usual, staid approach.

All told, you can get away with this kind of thing once, and I liked how Joxer was at least semi-smart and endearing, but don't make a habit of it.

Rating: B-

Series 2, Episode 5: Return of Callisto

Well, no prizes for guessing that this is, far and away, the best episode of the season to date, though it falls a little short of the epic heights of the original. It starts off really well, with Callisto's escape from prison showing she is even further short of sanity than before, and continues on nicely with Gabrielle getting married.

Some notes on subtext here. The fans thereof wet their collective underwear over Xena's apparent unhappiness with the nuptials and the hug she gives G. For the former, Xena's mind is clearly elsewhere, which is perfectly understandable given Callisto's statement "I’m not gonna kill you, now: oh, no. First, I’m going to kill your soul - just like you killed mine." That will distract anyone. And as far as Xena is concerned, this does mark the end of an era, with G settling down and enjoying a normal life (something of which X can only dream). A handshake doesn't quite cut it.

Anyway, it doesn't take a savvy viewer to work out where this is going. Perdicus's re-introduction and amazing quick transition from "Hello again" to "I do", is purely so that Callisto can off him. This sends G over the edge, and I have to say, I was impressed with Renee O'Connor's acting here, as she basically forces Xena to teach her how to fight with a sword, by jabbing her repeatedly with one. This side of G is far more interesting than the Jiminy Cricket persona, though the latter is what gives this 'gazing into the abyss' its power.

The problem is the second half, starting with Xena bleating to the gods about Gabrielle, "Please, don’t let that light that shines out of her face go out." When did X become so...whiny? It's so badly-acted, it feels like X is absolutely aware of G listening and playing to the cheap seats. And instead of the expected epic confrontation between X and Callisto, we get a chariot race. It's well staged, admittedly, but watching these two ride ponies...well, it's not exactly what we came here for, is it?

I also can't help feeling Callisto deserved a better fate than simply sinking in to quicksand. It's ironically fitting, but when you think of great villains, they tend to have epic deaths, and this doesn't measure up, though absolves X of active participation, though she's certainly still responsible. However, I suspect this won't be the last we hear of Callisto, and its weaknesses are really only in comparison to its predecessor. It's still a great entry.

The episode is dedicated to Michelle Calvert, who was Hudson Leick's (Callisto) riding double in the original episode, who was killed in a boating accident not long after.

More great Callistoisms:
Overall rating: B+



Series 2, Episode 6: Warrior... Princess... Tramp...

If it's not obvious, this is another sequel, following on from Warrior... Princess... Now, the princessy Diana and warrior-princessy Xena are joined by dubious Meg, who gets into the palace by pretending to be Xena, and is being manipulated to replace Diana and take over the kingdom. But a) she's not all bad, and b) also has the hots for Joxer. Hilarity, needless to say, ensues.

I actually enjoyed this episode more than Return of Callisto, which came as quite a surprise. Lawless is flawless (as it were), in her triple role, playing each character independently and making them distinct in terms of mannerisms and posture. That allows the viewer to keep them separate, even when (as at the end), all three are wearing the same costume - except, of course, when the plot demands that you can't tell them apart.

Think perhaps it was the sheer contrast to the bleak nihilism of RoC that made this one so entertaining. It was truly its own creation, taking a premise that was already loopy when first mined, and pushing it to the max. The comic highlight of the series has to be Meg, harangued by a nanny who demands its time to sing the baby to sleep. Cut to a clearly pissed-off Meg, lounging back and pushing the cradle with both feet while growling, "63 bottles of beer on the wall..." She has clearly been there a long time. Laugh? I nearly split my sides.

Again, it's the joy of the series that the makers can handle such an amazing unevenness of tone between episodes, and tribute to the creators that it still works beautifully. All hail, Lucy Lawless for this one, which is among her best work ever.

Overall rating: A-

Series 2, Episode 7: Intimate Strangers

On October 8, 1996, Lawless was scheduled to appear on The Jay Leno Show, but broke her pelvis when the horse she was riding fell in the studio parking lot. While she made a full recovery, the injury and subsequent recuperation forced the makers of Xena to scramble for workarounds, rewriting and re-arranging episodes to cover for her limitations over this period. This is one of those stories.

Xena is plagued by guilt over her role in the death of Callisto, and when she admits in her dreams that she murdered C, it gives the warrior queen the chance she wanted, with the two women switching bodies. Needless to say, this is difficult to deal with for everyone - not just Xena, but also Gabrielle (who has to come to terms with the fact that the body which killed her husband is now 'good'), Joxer and even Argo. It's all very confusing, as the following synopsis paragraph from Whoosh.org shows:


I trust we're all clear now... Actually, I liked this one a lot, as it gives Lawless (playing Callisto) and Leick (as Xena) a chance to exercise their acting chops, playing an opposite to their usual character, and both deliver. The result is something that forgoes the usual Xena-esque black and white morality, in favour of more shadedness. It's also nice to see the "body swap" theme, normally used for humourous effect, take a more dramatic turn.

Rating: B+


Series 2, Episode 8: Ten Little Warlords

Ten powerful warlords, including 'Callisto' receive invitations, supposedly from Ares. Following up on the invite, G and C find Ares, now mortal, having lost his sword. The lack of a god of war has had a nasty side-effect, with people everywhere now liable to fits of rage and violence. The invites are from King Sisyphus, who hs Ares's sword and who tells the ten that whoever slays the local monster will become the new god of war.

The ongoing recovery means Xena had to remain 'trapped' in Callisto's body for a little while longer, but this edition lacked the freshness of the previous episode, where they made the problem work for the show. Here, Lawless's absence is an awful lot more obvious, even to the untrained eye. And how many times are the writers going to roll out the "God loses their powers" concept? We're only about thirty eps in and have already seen it happen to Hades, Death and now Ares. While it's an article of faith that Hudson Leick is great, this episode brings home that she's better at playing Callisto than Xena.

It does end with Xena getting her body back, but rarely has the jokey disclaimer in the end credits been more accurate: "No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap."

Rating: C-

Season 2, Episode 9: A Solstice Carol

On the one hand, this is a shameless ripping-off of Charles Dickens, with X + G attempting to convince a miserly king of the error of his ways - and, in particular, not throw a bunch of photogenic orphans out into the streets on Christmas Eve for non-payment of his hefty taxes. This means you get Xena as the Three Fates, doing the whole past, present and future thing, while Gabrielle fiddles with a donkey, and the King's record-keeper goes back to his former job of making toys. Oh, crap: I just realized why he was called Senticles D'oh! [slaps forehead]

There are times when I like my slice of television with extra cheese, and this was delivered more or less right on time. Just a good job I didn't watch this one in the middle of July. The star this episode is not Lawless or even O'Connor, it's Joe LoDuca's perfect work on the score, which manages to generate all the Christmas spirit you could want, without - unlike the script - ever being too obvious. Really, one of the best pieces of TV composition I've heard, and a huge part of why the episode overcomes its limitations to become such a success.

It's clear that Lawless is still under the weather, though there is a genuinely amusing fight-scene in which the king's guards are repelled using toys, wielded to devastating effect, after G distracts the guards by...hula-hooping? Marvellous stuff. And not a dry eye in the house when the final surprise for the king is revealed either. This is the kind of episode that really shouldn't work, and doesn't stand up to close analysis - it's the lowest rated episode of Season 2 on the IMDB. but, boy, I enjoyed it a hell of a lot while it was on.

Rating: B+


Season 2, Episode 10: The Xena Scrolls

For a clip show - one which pads things out by using footage from previous episodes - this isn't bad. It's sent in 1940, where an archaeological dig uncovers the Xena scrolls, telling the tales of...well, guess who. However, it also uncovers Ares, who needs a descendant of Xena to escape. Fortunately for humanity, when the two halves of her chakram are brought together, her spirit comes back into the body of said descendant, and Xena isn't going to roll over for Ares.

Despite the somewhat clunky exposition [no explanation of why Ares is entombed, why he needs a Xena progeny to be freed, or who her soul apparently got trapped in the chakram], this works better than most clip shows. There's a nice spot of role-reversal, with O'Connor playing the Indiana Jones type, and Lawless the mousy translator [though a pair of glasses doesn't quite manage to contain her charisma!]. Meanwhile, Raimi gets to use a truly outrageous French accent, and there's clips from some classic horror-movies too.

Yeah, if you're going to wimp out with a clip show, might as well put some effort into it. And, subtexters note, the explicit reference in the historical record to "Xena’s true love, Marcus." Plus creator (and Mr. Lucy Lawless) Robert Tapert gets a cameo. All told, a little better than the previous effort in this area, Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards, which itself wasn't bad by most clip-show standards.

Rating: B-

Season 2, Episode 11: Here She Comes... Miss Amphipolis

To mark a year of peace between warring factions, a beauty contest is being held on 'neutral' turf to crown 'Miss Known World'. Except the three faction have each sent a contestant they are certain is going to win, won't tolerate any other result, and someone is trying to provoke a restart of the war by sabotaging the event. Xena goes undercover as Miss Amphipolis to ensure the peace is sustained.

Man, this is awful. From the complete lack of action through the painfully earnest sexual politics, the least convincing female impersonator of all time [check out the adam's apple bobbing hypnotically on 'Miss Artiphyse'!], the comic mugging which is Robert Trebor's "performance" - I use quote advisedly - and the "everyone can be what they want to be" moralistic finale, this was the first time I seriously considered turning an episode off and faking it for review purposed. I mean, who'd ever know?

It's another of the post-injury eps, but it seems as if even Lawless's stunt double must have been on holiday too, given by the pedestrian nature and excitement-free tone. [I also note it was one of the few episodes directed by a woman, though I hesitate to draw any correlation in this matter]. If you can't tell every step in the storyline well before it happens, you're probably already asleep. Which would also be understandable. Once you've seen a slightly-amusing spoof of Baywatch, that's the best this has to offer.

Rating: D-



Season 2, Episode 12: Destiny

After being critically injured trying to save a group of villagers, Xena requests Gabrielle to take her to Mt. Nessus. We flashback to ten years ago, when Xena captured a Roman, who turns out to be none other than Julius Caesar (played by future Dr. McCoy, Karl Urban - not his first episode in the series). He and X become lovers, but after she ransoms him, he vows to hunt her down. And he does, leading to a very nasty punishment.

Once again, the ability of Xena to swing from one emotion to another amazes me. After the, to be frank, silliness of last time, this is at the opposite extreme: a very dark episode which includes Xena being crucified and getting her legs broken, then ends with her apparent death. We also learn how she picked up the 'Xena touch' - the "I just cut off the blood supply to your brain" bit - and that she, apparently had a pirate ship. Who knew?

If it doesn't make much sense in terms of a timeline [no different from most of Xena's interactions with historical characters there], it makes up for it by filling in a sizable chunk of back-story and with a refreshingly bleak tone, that acts as a nice palate cleanser after Miss Amphipolis. Of course, we know Xena isn't really dead, despite the somewhat surreal sequence that looks more like an 80's pop video than an ancient Greek dream. However, we'll have to wait until next time to see how they're going to pull this resurrection off.

Rating: B-


All together now: "Always look on the bright side of life..."

Season 2, Episode 13: The Quest

It's very difficult for any show to kill their star, then bring them back - because once that card has been played, death no longer has a sting, it's no more than an inconvenience. We saw that with Buffy, and the same is true here, as Xena gets brought back from the grave with the help of ambrosia, the food of the gods.

That requires the help of Autolycus, because the Amazons intend to give X a suitably fiery send-off, which will end that possibility. X's spirit initially goes into Autolycus, which gives Bruce Campbell plenty of opportunity to show off his aptitude for physical comedy. However, the current queen of the Amazons, Velasca, wants the ambrosia, so she can be not just a queen, but a goddess.

Another annoyingly Xena-lite episode, I believe this was the first one that they had to come up with post-accident, and it's very, very obvious. Though G + Velasca have a decent fight scene on ropes - okay, technically it's X in G's body and Velasca - I'm getting very tired of all this body-swapping, amusing though Campbell is. Hercules's companion, Iolaus, shows up for one scene, hugs G and then leaves. Well, that was pointful. Much like this episode, really.

Rating: D



Season 2, Episode 13: A Necessary Evil

Memo to self. If ever I get hold of a food that can turn humans into gods, be sure not to leave any lying around. Y'know, where the vengeful wannabe deity from the previous episode can get hold of it. That's just what happens here, with Velasca snagging some ambrosia, and proceeding to get all godlike on the Amazons' asses, with a particular dislike of Gabrielle.

The only asset capable of countering Velasca, is Callisto - who, while we were out, guested on Hercules, and ended up immortal, but at the bottom of a very deep pit, festering gently. X fishes her out, as the lesser of two evils, in exchange for Xena making a very public confession of her sins. Of course, Callisto reneges on the deal, but that's exactly what X expected...

A good episode, with a couple of very well-staged three-way dances between the trio of warriors: princess, queen and goddess. It's very pragmatic of X realizing she needs Callisto to handle an even more unpleasant evil - though G's mileage on that probably varies. This exchange between Callisto and G is epic, after G asks her whether she felt anything when Xena was confessing:
Oh, Callisto. You merry prankster, you...

Rating: B

Season 2, Episode 15: A Day in the Life

I get the feeling this episode is intended to be parodying something, but what it was has been lost to my mind over the 15 years since it first aired. [Man, I feel old]. It's broken into a series of chapters, e.g. 'Making a Decision', 'Finding Your Way'. 'A Call From Nature', and is as much concerned with the details of everyday life as anything else.

The main villain is Gareth, the giant Goliath was after in a previous episode - and, indeed, a good chunk of the footage is material that was cut from Giant Killer, which allowed this ep to be filmed in just five days. Here, X has to save two villages, one menaced by said giant, the other by a warlord, while also dealing with a love-struck local and an irritated Gabrielle, following an incident in which one of her scrolls is used, by necessity, as toilet paper.

I'm pretty sure, this is certainly one of the subtext gang's favorites, with X+G in a bubble-bath together, and the immortal Gab-lines, "No, she likes what I do," and "Can we cook with your juices?" But even outside of that, there's enough fun stuff for the less-obsessive viewer, with Xena giving lessons in keeping her man to said love-struck villager's better half, and attempting to imitate Benjamin Franklin (about 1,750 years before he flew his kite). It's light and entirely non-threatening, but the time passed cheerfully enough, and the chemistry between the two leads is undeniable.

Rating: C+



Season 2, Episode 16: For Him The Bell Tolls

The makers giveth, and the makers taketh away - from the subtexters, anyway. Xena was almost entirely absent, replaced here by Joxer. As a result of a spat between Cupid and his mom Aphrodite, he's under a spell which turns him into an irresistible hero every time a bell rings. This is intended to make him break up an impending marriage which threatens Aphrodite's temples, but obvious enrages both the fiance, and the fathers of both partners.

This was an entirely new episode, added to the schedule after Lawless's accident, but for my money, it's the best of the replacement/changed shows. Ted Raimi gets to shine, as both inept sidekick and swashbuckling hero, turning from one to the other at the ringing sound, with Gabrielle apparently the only woman (more or less) immune to his charms. The result is part Court Jester, part The Princess Bride, and is entirely goofy fun, that'll bring a grin to the face of anyone save the most fervent Joxer-phobe: And then there's this...



Ok, the show is still called Xena: Warrior Princess and is definitely not. But, while the other fill-in eps were obviously patching around a hole, this one works on its own terms. Whatever they might be, for I didn't even mention the surreal way in which Cupid becomes a pouting surfer dude, and his mother appears to have strayed in from a Victoria's Secret cetalog. Never mind.

Get well soon, Ms. Lawless...

Rating: B

Spurred in to getting back to this, after seeing Lawless in the new season of Spartacus, with an even more tenuous grip on her sanity.

Season 2, Episode 17: The Execution

Or Law and Order: Amphipolis, as it might be alternatively titled. X+G get a message from old pal Meleager the Mighty, but on arrival find he has just been convicted of murder, with execution scheduled the next day. Meleager can't recall what happened, having been blind drunk at the time, but an eye-witness places him right by the victim with a bloodstained sword. G refuses to believe he could be a cold-blooded killer and frees him, but X is less certain and believes justice needs to be seen to be done. However, the more they investigate, the more the truth seems to deviate from what everyone believes.

It's a well-written story, that gives a fair amount of pause for thought, concerning the differences between public perception and reality, and there are some interesting twists and turns as things unfold. The downside is that this means the return of Jiminy Cricket Gabrielle, who refuses to see anything except good. Worse yet, she's largely right. It's also quite short on action, with a battle between X and the escaped Meleager the only significant sequence. However, I was mightily impressed with the way Xena caught an arrow aimed at Meleager with one hand, a second with the other hand and then the third... Well, check out the pic below, and marvel at Lawless's priceless expression.

Rating: C+



Season 2, Episode 18: Blind Faith

This installment ends up with the same rating, but does so in the exact opposite direction: the story is the problem, with the action very good, Jeremy Callaghan particularly impressive as the warrior Palaemon, who is out to make his name by killing Xena, after provoking her into a fight by saying he has killed Gabrielle. He hasn't - unfortunately, I'm thinking, after the last episoide - but has kidnapped her and sold her off to a king with a thing for blue-eyed (strawberry) blondes.

Meanwhile, some oil in Xena's eyes has left her blind, and she has only 24 hours to rescue G and get the treatment necessary to save her eyesight. Rather than doing the logical thing, and getting herself fixed, all the better to save her sidekick with, she races off towards the castle, unaware that the biggest threat immediately facing G is the Pygmalion-like transformation process ["You have the hand gestures of a wagon driver," says the man responsible] Of course, there's the minor detail that the king in question is dead.

Yeah, one of those plot threads would probably be sufficient for an entire movie. Having them all simultaneously leads to a ponderous episode that can do nothing except try to keep all its balls in the air, and doesn't do so. It's not even as if blindness is exactly a major handicap to Xena, since it hardly appears to impact her fighting ability much. Nice to see her back, looking as close to full effect as she had since the accident, but the script would have benefited from a dose of "less is more".

Rating: C+